Lost for words with one last breath for me to take from you.

Today, I am lost. I had my first cigarette in 17 years.

Today, I had a talk with my oldest love, my first love, the only person that I told that I loved without being untrue to myself.

We talked of many things, of the past and of the future, and she said to me a very interesting thing. She said “You don’t look happy.”

I believed her. I don’t think that I am happy. I don’t know what it takes to make me happy. I have fun, yes, but I don’t know what it takes to make me truly happy. In high school, a kid said to me “you have happiness, from time to time, but do you have joy?” I didn’t then and I don’t now.

What makes me happy? What gives me joy?

These are questions to which that I have no answer now. I will keep looking.

In the meantime, our coach driver from the past day has given me inspiration indirectly. To one of our tourists, he said “be good.” In reply, our tourist said “I can’t make any promises.” Paul’s reply was simple and will work, for a week at least.

“If you can’t be good, be good at it.”