Yet again, it takes the prodding of Matty to get me to post. I always think about it, but I just never do it. It seems like I’m always waiting for something cool to write about. And when I have something that I want to write about, I don’t want to freak anybody out. Oh well, we’ll just shoot from the hip. If people stop talking to me, I guess that’s just a little more time that I’ll have to do other things, like sleep.

I have a cold. As a result, my voice is pretty sexy right now, I think. That came in handy when I guest-starred on Aaron’s WAUG show on Wednesday for an hour. I thought it was a lot of fun being on the radio. There was basically no pressure since our transmitter is operating at such low wattage that you can’t really hear the station unless you’re sitting within 30 feet of the building, and most (if not all) of the Shoutcast listeners are friends of Aaron’s from his WoW guild. I had a lot of fun doing the broadcast for a bit, and I’m under the impression that people enjoyed my radio presence and that I will be invited back. I would like that. I think I’m going to grab the rip from Aaron, so if you’re interested in hearing my first radio show, I guess Aaron or myself could indulge you.

I’m in an acting class, and there’s a bunch of silly characters in there. You’d think that maybe I would have made a fool of myself by now, but I’ve been surprisingly reserved so far. I think it’s going to take some time before I come out of my shell, but that’s because I’m not entirely comfortable with a lot of the people. At least Eddie’s in there. That’s going to be some shit, lemme tell you what.

French is still cool. We’re doing some sweet shit right now with commands and past tense and stuff so I might actually be able to say things i want to say, like “kill yourself” and “I was so hungry that I could have eaten a raw baby.”

Macroeconomics is a godsend. Do you know what we did on the second day of class? We reviewed 7th grade Algebra. That’s right: slopes, lines, intersections… HELL YES I AM IN MFING HEAVEN.

Now we’re into the heavy shit:

I am friggin confused. I wish I could figure out what is up with the whole ‘human emotions’ thing, cuz then I wouldn’t need to be confused. The trouble is, I can’t quite tell what I’m feeling right now. I really wish there was a way to quantify human emotion. I suppose I could work on that. I bet I’d make a lot of money if I got something working. Tough shit, for now it’s all speculation.

I like someone. A girl, in fact. When I spend time with said girl, I have a good time. When I am not with said girl things do remind me of her, I do think of her, etc. The problem is that when I compare how I feel with how I have felt in the past, I’m not sure what the deal is. I compare what I feel with things that I have felt in the past, and I can’t even tell if I’m fooling myself into believing that I am romantically interested in her just because I like to spend time with her and she’s cute. It’s just that I’ve been attracted to someone before who I felt that I just connected with on levels that I couldn’t explain, and it felt so incredibly right that in comparison, nothing else feels the same.

Pessimistic Mark says:

Too bad you lost what could have been the best thing ever, you really fucked yourself there. It’s not coming back and nothing will replace it.

Optimistic Mark says:

The law of big numbers says that there’s got to be at least one more person out there that can make you feel like she did.

And finally, realistic/analytical Mark says:

Who are you to say that you know or don’t know who it is that could make you feel like she did. Just because you don’t feel it now doesn’t mean that it can’t happen with this new girl.

Thus ensues my dilemma. I don’t want to start something if I don’t know that I’ll be willing and able to see it through to completion. The risk of it scares me. I know, I know… “don’t be such a poon,” you’re saying, but it’s not the risk of hurting myself that really concerns me. It’s the risk of hurting her. I’ve broken hearts before and I don’t want to do it again if I don’t have to. It doesn’t feel good.

Of course, the biggest catch here: I don’t even know if she likes me.

Would I be being unfair to her to pursue my feelings even though I’m not entirely sure as to their nature?
Would I be settling if I pursued something perhaps within my grasp even though there’s a remote chance that something better could come along?
Am I being an idiot?

Silver lining to a dark cloud: I think I’ve figured out why nice guys finish last.

No, it’s not because they’re always waiting until I update my blog to do something.