Here are a couple of little stories from when I worked at my internship again over break.

A little background information for you, before we begin: I was responsible for the IBM RMA process. Basically, it was up to me to take the laptops that needed to be repaired and petition IBM for the replacement parts or for a box to send them the broken unit in. Usually, I would be able to just fill out a form on the website and they would send the part (after, of course, calling to let me know that they care–for every single request. All of them. Every time. Fuck that shit, none of us have time for that when I RMA 15 hard drives in a day). Sometimes, however, I have to deal with these people on the phone. It isn’t pretty.

One time, Karen, one of the laptop technicians, transferred an IBM representative from her phone to me because IBM had questions about an RMA request and I was the one to place the request. Here’s how that went.

Me: Hello?
IBM: Hello, I have a question about the computer you sent in for RMA.
Me: [Rolling eyes] Yeah, I sent in between twelve and fifteen laptops for repair in the last four days, so I’m going to need you to be a little more specific.
IBM: Oh, it’s case number… FUKIBM. [OK, you caught me, I made up that case number]
Me: Yeah let me just look that up in my records. What’s the concern?
IBM: Well it was sent in for a display repair, it’s out of warranty and that’s a billable repair, so I need a PO number before I can start repair.
Me: No, I’m not going to pay to have it fixed. Just send it back and I’ll throw it away. Thanks. [Click]

No matter how many laptops I send in at once (I think I averaged about four outgoing per day) they seem to think that if they call and ask me about “the laptop you sent in for repair” that I will know exactly which one they are talking about. You know, the one with the broken display and the little sticky note on it? It was black… it was a little scuffed up, you know! No, I don’t! You just described 83% of the laptops i sent in in the last 45 minutes! If you’ll excuse me, all across the United States employees of my company are scuffing their laptops, breaking their displays, and putting little sticky notes on them to tell us what’s wrong with it, and if I spend any more time on the phone with you instead of sending these things in, I’m going to get way behind on my work!

As you can see, the people at IBM are real geniuses. No, I really mean that. It’s just a shame that their only genius lies in their ability to run a business with such potential on the absolute edge. Their products are great, but their customer service, in particular the organization thereof, is quite lacking. Here’s another good example of what it’s like to call IBM for customer service:

IBM Customer Service menu lady: Thank you for calling IBM. Press or say one if you are calling to request a repair. Press or say two if you are calling about an existing repair. Press or–
Me: Two.
[Brring]
IBM: Tank ou for calling I B M repair, my name is Harold, how can I assist you today?
Me: Yes, I’m calling about an existing repair that I requested, and I’m wondering why it was cancelled?
IBM: Excuse me?
Me: I’m calling about a repair that I requested on the IBM ESC website. The request was cancelled, I want to know why. Do you want the case number?
IBM: The what?
Me: The case number of the repair.
IBM: Sorry, this is a non-technical department, let me transfer you.
[Brring]
IBM Menu lady again: Thank you for calling the repair queue. Press or say one for a new repair request. Press or say two for an existing service call. If you are an IBM Premiere Service customer, press or say three or stay on the line.
Me: Two.
[Silence]
Me: TWO.
[Silence]
Me: T–
[Brring]
Me: Shit.
IBM: Thank you for calling IBM, what is the nature of your concern?
Me: I’m calling about a service call that was cancelled, I’m just wondering why?
IBM: Sorry sir, you need a different department, let me transfer you.
[Brring]
IBM: Helo tank you for calling I B M customer service, my name is Frank. How may I help you?
Me: I had a service call get cancelled
IBM: May I have the call number, please?
Me: I-B-M-S-U-X [Yep, you guessed it, I made this one up, too]
IBM: … That doesn’t come up on my screen. Let me just confirm that it’s I-B-M-S-U-X?
Me: Yes. I know that it’s right, because I’m looking at it in the IBM ESC website where I submitted the claim.
IBM: Huh. Well, I can’t find the claim in my system. Let’s just open a new one.

For the next twenty minutes I tried to understand his accent and explain to him that I needed a replacement part. When he asked me for it, I gave him the model number of the part, then we argued for a few minutes about whether or not the part in question actually existed. As it turns out, it does. Imagine that. I still don’t think he’s fully convinced.

This is an appealing alternative to talking to IBM representatives on the phone:

Nice IBM phone menu lady: Thank you for calling IBM. Do not bother pressing or saying anything, because you will be randomly transferred between departments regardless of what you do. If you have any time-sensitive engagements, such as meetings, lunches, work tomorrrow, or dying of cancer sometime in the next ten to twenty years, it is advised that you wait until after you have a free schedule to call in. You’ll thank me for this later.
[Click]
Me: [Shoots self in head]

I wonder if IBM is actually a company, or is in reality a ten year old boy in a sandbox somewhere with a knack for voice-acting and a really twisted sense of humor.

You know what? As long as IBM keeps letting me pay them in peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches, I don’t really give a fuck.