Firefox is the fastest download client I have…

…but I’m pretty sure it’s cheating. Perhaps, if you’ve ever used Firefox, you already know what I’m talking about. I’ve had this problem before, with previous releases of Firefox, and recently one of my friends has had it too: Firefox get’s “a little lazy.” It just doesn’t download the entirety of whatever file you’re trying to download. I’ve really only seen it happen for large downloads (we’re talking 300+ mBs), but aren’t those the most important? I think so, because they take the longest to fail, thereby wasting the most of my (ever-important) baking time!

Allow me to illustrate a typical day using Firefox to download large files:

Me: Hey, today seems like a good day to simultaneously download four GNU/Linux distributions, eh Firefox?
Firefox: But of course, let’s get to it! Why don’t you just queue up all of those disc images and I’ll get to work.
Me: Boy howdy, Firefox, you sure are a good sport to download these three gigs worth of linux distributions for me, especially since I probably won’t use most of them, anyway.
Firefox: Oh, think nothing of it. I’m totally accustomed to downloading things, seeing as how I’m a web browser and all.
Me: I’m going to just change focus here to my IM client and talk to some people whilst you fetch that data for me, is that okay?
Firefox: Sure thing. I’ll just flash my Download Manager’s taskbar when something finishes, got it?
Me: Got it.

— Four or five minutes later —

Me: Hey, Firefox, your Download Manager is flashing. Surely my eyes are deceiving me, you couldn’t possibly have finished any of those files yet, could you?
Firefox: You are not mistaken, I am done with a file. Look, here it is, all 243 megabytes of it.
Me: …
Firefox: What’s wrong? You’re looking at me strangely.
Me: That was supposed to be 650 megabytes.
Firefox: Are you sure? It looks like the whole thing to me.
Me: Nope, the site definitely says 650 MB. And look, the MD5 hash is wrong. Download it again, would you?
Firefox: Ok, I guess. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, all of the others finished in the meantime.
Me: ?!
Firefox: What? I’m quick, that’s all.
Me: Really? Because, for a second there, I thought maybe you were full of shit. Yep, you are. These files aren’t done. God damnit, I need a download manager. Hey, could you downl–wait, nevermind. Hey, Internet Explorer, can I get you to–OH MY GOD YOU JUST JAMMED A SYRINGE WITH A RUSTY NEEDLE INTO MY ARM! INTERNET EXPLORER, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
IExplore: Dude, you totally just got infected.
Me: To hell with both of you, I’m going outside.

I was wondering for a while why this problem never got fixed, but thinking about it now, I think they’re working more on catching up to Internet Explorer’s superior syringe-stabbing functionality.

I’m not sure that’s a W3C standard, though.

3 thoughts on “Firefox is the fastest download client I have…

  1. O. M. G.!!!!!

    Laughed my ass off for a good 10 minutes. GODDAMN YOU FIREFOX! YOU’RE NOT DONE!

    Very well written.

    Thank you once again for gracing us with your amazing narrative and clever wit.

  2. Mark. Ohhhh Mark. You are freakin HILARIOUS!!! This is was the first thing I read for the day and I’m pretty sure this is going to be a pretty darn good day because of it! Keep up the insanity, and try to use clean needles if you can help it…:-p

    Miss your craziness…maybe coming to Augie the first weekend of February…we’ll see!


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