Microsoft is actually smart, for once. No, I mean that. Really. They are marketing geniuses. Nevermind the fact that they are eating money on every XBox sale, it’s not actually going to cause them any problems because they don’t have any XBoxes to sell, right? Who cares, anyway, they’re just going to make all that money back in controller sales. “Controller sales?!” you say, “Surely you’re off your rocker, mister!” I assure you that I am at least as level-headed as ever I have been before. You see, I have uncovered the secret to Microsoft’s money-making: the idiot consumer. That’s right, you, the consumer, are stupid. That’s what Microsoft must think, at any rate.

The XBox 360 controller. MSRP: $39.99

The XBox 360 controller for Windows. MSRP: $44.99

Does anybody notice anything striking about the relationship between these two controllers? Is it the same general shape, the same pearly whi–HOLY SHIT, no way. It can’t be. Ce n’est pas possible! It’s the same fucking controller. Wait, wait, there’s a difference. The “for Windows” variety of controller comes with a CD in the package with this driver on it. And you paid an extra $5. Idiot. Just think, you could have had some ice cream, or subscribed to a short trial of that internet porn site you’re always looking at the low-quality freebies on, but instead you paid extra for Microsoft to give you a CD with a copy of a freely downloadable driver so that you could use your XBox 360 controller on your PC.*

*[Ahem] Provided you’re not running Linux.

Upcoming Microsoft products:

Food
Food for your mouth [Comes with a fork]

Pen
Pen for writing [Comes with ink]

Dildo
Dildo for your anus [Comes with free share of Microsoft stock]

I think you get the idea. But, in case you don’t, I have something to offer you: the Internet for people. Who cares if it doesn’t need anything special to function?

I bet Microsoft would buy some.